can you handle another kitty picture?

that was yesterday.
and.this.is.today.

now. joking aside.

this is my power thought of the week.
there's no greater encouragement, no greater weapon, no greater stregnth than knowing that god is with us and fights for us. we know that even though we walk through the valleys we have the assurance that he will get us to the mountain tops.
his love is amazing. 

i will get there soon enough

the best part of growing up is growing up.
you see, there's a certain feeling after one finishes the upward walk to what seems like a never-ending staircase. relief. then suddenly, a conclusion. i made it, i am new. different.

and that feeling of "i've grown up", makes growing up a bitter-sweet commodity.
a challenge that deems us knights in shining armor, princesses that have been rescued.
royalty.

in all honesty, some days i feel at the bottom of the staircase and others well beyond the halfway mark. and it feels discouraging at times, but i tend to take some steps back. accidentally. purposely. it's just that the journey is difficult, and often tiring. becoming a woman of worth, strength and inner beauty, takes all the energy i have. all my efforts. and really there is where i fail. where we fail. fighting with my own strength only gets me so far before i am weary and ready to retire.

here's where i know that only a greater hope, greater power, can sustain me through the hours of tired calfs, heavy lifting, short breaths and panting as i walk the journey to freedom.

the encouraging thing is that victories can occur daily or weekly in this journey. today it's making it to monday, getting through the first week of the year and lifting up prayers of commitment to the will (though unknown to me) of the father.

my new friend the bicycle

i

i kinda want this bike

yesterday afternoon i learned to ride a bike, for the first time. it only took me 27 years, and although i should perhaps feel lame, i feel cooler than a 5-year-old. i dont know what was more exciting, that all my friends were staring at me after they forced me to get on the bike and learn, or the fact that i was comfortable enough to take the risk and do something that i feared. this was something that i connected to a childhood that deprived me of many things and somehow i chose never to go back there. but i did. i faced it like a brave girl and i feel relieved.


i no longer have to hide behind that silly thing. i no longer need to look back with complaints. i am free of that blame game. it's funny that a bike could do that to me. but im relieved, because victory came in the form of a small, perhaps silly, accomplishment, but at the same time, it has come to prove that a big battle has been won. i really have started on a path to becoming a new me. one with less fears, one less afraid to face them, a girl on the lighter side of things. one willing to kick insecurities in the butt and enjoy everyday life.


who's with me? [practically screaming here]


i know im not alone in overcoming fears and learning later that they were tied to so many other things. but to win, i learned, it just takes that step of faith and that desire to break away from it.


what kind of fears have you overcome?

some posts dont need a title.

  I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress,
  my God, in whom I trust.”
  For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler
  and from the deadly pestilence.
 He will cover you with his pinions,
  and under his wings you will find refuge;
  his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.
 You will not fear the terror of the night,
  nor the arrow that flies by day,
 nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
  nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.

(Psalm 91:2-6 ESV)

i'm undergoing deep realizations this week. 

(if you haven't notice, see recent posts)

one of those things is that after i turned 26 my body has been turning into my mother. 

slowly.but.surely. 

nose. hips. waist. 

this is tough stuff.

oh. i also just traded bread for a stepper. you must understand.

sigh.

please be patient.

foolishness i tell you.

By Phoenix Han

this morning i felt like a failure.
a woman full of insanity.
you'd think that after doing something repeatedly, failing, then hurting, that one would stop.
but no.
it's foolishness i tell you.


but in this insanity, i find a greater hope.

i grab my cup of coffee and sip away, with despair nonetheless, as i try to make sense of my faults.
is there any way to make sense of my humanity?
probably not. but i search within myself and realize that it's not about the mistakes i make over and over again. it's not about seeing them, weeping over them and then just moving on. but it's more about accepting that i am a flawed human and that there's a hope. there's grace for my cause. and then proceed to let it go. and not the kind of letting go with a hint of disregard for my irresponsibility or lack of self-control. but letting it go to the one and only one who can make me better. because if there is anything i learned is that i am unable to fix myself. i need a higher power to help me with that. and you know even then, i need to surrender my cares so that he could carry them for me.


so in a way, although it was difficult to do, i finally took a step into the dark zone. that zone where you think about whether god is really holding you together. you know he is, but there's a second of fear and doubt. am i really here? is he really with me? and he is.


i've learned that when im in my worse times nothing feels better than casting it to the wind. releasing it from my grip. allowing it to fly from me. because then it's when i can really proceed to move forward. to move from the sin. to move from what issue grabbed me and sucked out the joy and peace. and how to get it all back. only then can i sip my coffee again, breathe, read his word and feel his embrace all over again.


but it's that process of releasing that is the hardest. i'm still working towards it.

being here 8 hours a day is bound to be tough and drive me crazy. sometimes.



found here

 i need me one of these...

caramel macchiato

or one of these...


mani-pedi



or both.



to lose or to hold

image

one time as a child i was with my mother on a motorcycle. dont know why. i vaguely rememeber who drove but i was in the middle and she was  behind me. we had just left my grandma's house and she had given me money. probably a dollar. i held it tight in my hand while we rode. but for some reason i decided to test gravity. and i let go the tight grip and the money flew. quickly. rapidly in the air. i remember vividly looking at my hand. in total surprise. i seemed completely oblivious to what just happened. i felt a bit silly. i felt a bit sad. i just released the gift i held so tight. but somehow i was ok. i was suddenly detached. i immediately looked ahead to the road in front of me and forgot it. left it the back of my mind with other childhood memories. i resminisce of this today as i consider how i was able to let go of something that i held so tight to. and how automatically i released it from me. 

in life ive gripped many things. just like i did that dollar many years back. but unlike that random day, releasing my hands and allowing the tightly-held possession to fly has not been automatic. it hasn't been easily forgotten and put in the back of my mind. it's been difficult. mostly because the older i got, the tighter i held. the harder it became to understand how some things, like that dollar, i was only meant to carry for a short while. i learned my right to control. to keep. to hold. my right to fight for my desires. for my dreams. and there is nothing wrong with having dreams in your grip. or even dollars. but there comes a time that one must release and choose. to lose or to hold. 

ive messed up a lot trying not to lose my wants, but yet here i am loosing. and it's ok to lose because ive learned that pushing so much to have my way, can only jeopordize god's ways. and i've settled, finally, that his ways are better. heck, they are perfect.

and i rather have his ways. no matter the cost. i rather gain them. through fire. through tears and fears. through shaking and trembling. through a full battle against myself. because i rather have his way. because i rather have him. because i dont want to gain the world and fail him. because i love him more than anything else. and so for his treasure i choose to give up what i treasure most.

i choose to live my life holding on to his purpose and letting go mine.

the truth is...

via

some times

 you just gotta

 let go 

&

let God