Wednesday, October 5, 2011

foolishness i tell you.

By Phoenix Han
this morning i felt like a failure.
a woman full of insanity.
you'd think that after doing something repeatedly, failing, then hurting, that one would stop.
but no.
it's foolishness i tell you.

but in this insanity, i find a greater hope.

i grab my cup of coffee and sip away, with despair nonetheless, as i try to make sense of my faults.
is there any way to make sense of my humanity?
probably not. but i search within myself and realize that it's not about the mistakes i make over and over again. it's not about seeing them, weeping over them and then just moving on. but it's more about accepting that i am a flawed human and that there's a hope. there's grace for my cause. and then proceed to let it go. and not the kind of letting go with a hint of disregard for my irresponsibility or lack of self-control. but letting it go to the one and only one who can make me better. because if there is anything i learned is that i am unable to fix myself. i need a higher power to help me with that. and you know even then, i need to surrender my cares so that he could carry them for me.

so in a way, although it was difficult to do, i finally took a step into the dark zone. that zone where you think about whether god is really holding you together. you know he is, but there's a second of fear and doubt. am i really here? is he really with me? and he is.

i've learned that when im in my worse times nothing feels better than casting it to the wind. releasing it from my grip. allowing it to fly from me. because then it's when i can really proceed to move forward. to move from the sin. to move from what issue grabbed me and sucked out the joy and peace. and how to get it all back. only then can i sip my coffee again, breathe, read his word and feel his embrace all over again.

but it's that process of releasing that is the hardest. i'm still working towards it.


  1. Beautifully written.

    I can relate to what you are writing. It is hard to get out of the rut sometimes of looking at our faults and mistakes. I was just writing on a friends blog earlier that what matters is the heart. God knows your heart, and he knows you are trying. I shared with her a song from The Story cd, particularly the Chris Tomlin one. *The entire album is amazing.

    (link below)

    It is beautiful that you aware of the issue (a positive sign that you are wanting to change whatever it might be) and the source of hope. Don't be too hard on yourself. Don't forget-we are works in progress until the day we part from this earth. Much love to you honey.

  2. Thank you MBL - you always know what to say to encourage me. and this video is amazing. thank you for sharing.


  3. "but it's more about accepting that i am a flawed human and that there's a hope." <-- I'm working on the same thing! Loved this post! Thank you for sharing.

    Ariel at


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