foolishness i tell you.

By Phoenix Han

this morning i felt like a failure.
a woman full of insanity.
you'd think that after doing something repeatedly, failing, then hurting, that one would stop.
but no.
it's foolishness i tell you.


but in this insanity, i find a greater hope.

i grab my cup of coffee and sip away, with despair nonetheless, as i try to make sense of my faults.
is there any way to make sense of my humanity?
probably not. but i search within myself and realize that it's not about the mistakes i make over and over again. it's not about seeing them, weeping over them and then just moving on. but it's more about accepting that i am a flawed human and that there's a hope. there's grace for my cause. and then proceed to let it go. and not the kind of letting go with a hint of disregard for my irresponsibility or lack of self-control. but letting it go to the one and only one who can make me better. because if there is anything i learned is that i am unable to fix myself. i need a higher power to help me with that. and you know even then, i need to surrender my cares so that he could carry them for me.


so in a way, although it was difficult to do, i finally took a step into the dark zone. that zone where you think about whether god is really holding you together. you know he is, but there's a second of fear and doubt. am i really here? is he really with me? and he is.


i've learned that when im in my worse times nothing feels better than casting it to the wind. releasing it from my grip. allowing it to fly from me. because then it's when i can really proceed to move forward. to move from the sin. to move from what issue grabbed me and sucked out the joy and peace. and how to get it all back. only then can i sip my coffee again, breathe, read his word and feel his embrace all over again.


but it's that process of releasing that is the hardest. i'm still working towards it.