after the rain has gone

the rain showed up this weekend with fervent determination to pour and pour over my town. i have to say i enjoyed it. i spent most of the day saturday with great friends. and as the rain progressed and the day turned into night, i wearied with the added stress of running errands while it rained so hard. but the day's joy picked up once we out-smarted ms. rain with boots to splash on the puddles it left behind. i wouldnt have it any other way, i must add.

and today, there's no rain, for now at least, but what seems like a silent and peaceful sun peeking through the window. calm day as can be. the storm has ceased.

and with the calmness of the day i now sit sipping on coffee. playing with my hair. resminicing on the past few days and activities. and i feel new. refreshed. often tortured  by my desire to be done and changed, quickly. but hopeful to see the effects of a life under god's microscope. and nothing beats that embrace. nothing makes me more secure as a woman than knowing that all my mess ups, tears and bitter words come together for a good purpose. to make me a glorious testimony of his love. and to use me as tool to change this world one person at a time. who knows, which way he'll have it, but as long as jesus is in it, i want it.

and as these moments bring about this new long-awaited transformation, i find more strength to accept the new, more strength to forget the old, and more strength to be brutally honest with others and myself. the brutally honest part still needs adjustment. but this is all a blessed accomplishment leading me to goals i hardly knew i had. thinking of heading back to school. making new music. picking up an instrument. considering future plans. mission trips. development work. yearning to be in the kitchen more. seeking to please my lord and be more like him. and looking forward to that one day  when i'll finallysay we did this. jesus and i.

and with these thoughts, and after long days of rain, i conclude that not every storm carries with it heavy rain and strong winds. some do and when they arrive they come through, do some damage and leave you with a broken structure to rebuild. and in that rebuilding, new and better things are usually brewed. and although that which was broken was loved and often missed, the new that has come is oh so sweet.

soon real soon, i am coming through as sweet as can be.

some posts dont need a title.

  I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress,
  my God, in whom I trust.”
  For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler
  and from the deadly pestilence.
 He will cover you with his pinions,
  and under his wings you will find refuge;
  his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.
 You will not fear the terror of the night,
  nor the arrow that flies by day,
 nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
  nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.

(Psalm 91:2-6 ESV)

to lose or to hold

image

one time as a child i was with my mother on a motorcycle. dont know why. i vaguely rememeber who drove but i was in the middle and she was  behind me. we had just left my grandma's house and she had given me money. probably a dollar. i held it tight in my hand while we rode. but for some reason i decided to test gravity. and i let go the tight grip and the money flew. quickly. rapidly in the air. i remember vividly looking at my hand. in total surprise. i seemed completely oblivious to what just happened. i felt a bit silly. i felt a bit sad. i just released the gift i held so tight. but somehow i was ok. i was suddenly detached. i immediately looked ahead to the road in front of me and forgot it. left it the back of my mind with other childhood memories. i resminisce of this today as i consider how i was able to let go of something that i held so tight to. and how automatically i released it from me. 

in life ive gripped many things. just like i did that dollar many years back. but unlike that random day, releasing my hands and allowing the tightly-held possession to fly has not been automatic. it hasn't been easily forgotten and put in the back of my mind. it's been difficult. mostly because the older i got, the tighter i held. the harder it became to understand how some things, like that dollar, i was only meant to carry for a short while. i learned my right to control. to keep. to hold. my right to fight for my desires. for my dreams. and there is nothing wrong with having dreams in your grip. or even dollars. but there comes a time that one must release and choose. to lose or to hold. 

ive messed up a lot trying not to lose my wants, but yet here i am loosing. and it's ok to lose because ive learned that pushing so much to have my way, can only jeopordize god's ways. and i've settled, finally, that his ways are better. heck, they are perfect.

and i rather have his ways. no matter the cost. i rather gain them. through fire. through tears and fears. through shaking and trembling. through a full battle against myself. because i rather have his way. because i rather have him. because i dont want to gain the world and fail him. because i love him more than anything else. and so for his treasure i choose to give up what i treasure most.

i choose to live my life holding on to his purpose and letting go mine.