to lose or to hold

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one time as a child i was with my mother on a motorcycle. dont know why. i vaguely rememeber who drove but i was in the middle and she was  behind me. we had just left my grandma's house and she had given me money. probably a dollar. i held it tight in my hand while we rode. but for some reason i decided to test gravity. and i let go the tight grip and the money flew. quickly. rapidly in the air. i remember vividly looking at my hand. in total surprise. i seemed completely oblivious to what just happened. i felt a bit silly. i felt a bit sad. i just released the gift i held so tight. but somehow i was ok. i was suddenly detached. i immediately looked ahead to the road in front of me and forgot it. left it the back of my mind with other childhood memories. i resminisce of this today as i consider how i was able to let go of something that i held so tight to. and how automatically i released it from me. 

in life ive gripped many things. just like i did that dollar many years back. but unlike that random day, releasing my hands and allowing the tightly-held possession to fly has not been automatic. it hasn't been easily forgotten and put in the back of my mind. it's been difficult. mostly because the older i got, the tighter i held. the harder it became to understand how some things, like that dollar, i was only meant to carry for a short while. i learned my right to control. to keep. to hold. my right to fight for my desires. for my dreams. and there is nothing wrong with having dreams in your grip. or even dollars. but there comes a time that one must release and choose. to lose or to hold. 

ive messed up a lot trying not to lose my wants, but yet here i am loosing. and it's ok to lose because ive learned that pushing so much to have my way, can only jeopordize god's ways. and i've settled, finally, that his ways are better. heck, they are perfect.

and i rather have his ways. no matter the cost. i rather gain them. through fire. through tears and fears. through shaking and trembling. through a full battle against myself. because i rather have his way. because i rather have him. because i dont want to gain the world and fail him. because i love him more than anything else. and so for his treasure i choose to give up what i treasure most.

i choose to live my life holding on to his purpose and letting go mine.