Words have a way with me.
Just the other morning I went into a whirlwind of unexpected emotions because of words spoken to me. It wasn't until later that day that I realized how my words in return were uncalled for and unnecessary.
I wasn't sure about what went wrong between common decency and me but I responded rudely.
It didn't necessarily make me feel better for the rest of the day. I was ridden with guilt and need to resolve the matter.
At the end of that day, I reconciled my words and thoughts on my knees. As my knees connected with my carpet, I felt their vulnerability and the fearfulness in my clasped hands as we came close to this moment of confession.
But they too came undone in this moment. They loosened up as did I and suddenly I began to allow the weight of the day to unraveled before my carpet, the side of my bed and he who was listening.
I didn't beg for mercy, I didn't beg for resolution. I knew exactly what burdened me. It was those words that were ringing in my ear. And it wasn't just those words I heard hours earlier. But words from weeks before that had stuck around in my mind, rented space, bought a couch and got comfortable. Those words had even given birth to new words, invisible words that my mind now believed.
Feeling like a volcano about to erupt, I didn't defend the words said, the words I thought I heard or the words I came up with after my bias interpretation of what was said and had been said.
I just knew I needed humbling. I just knew I needed healing and assurance of my own gifted-ness and my own worth in his hands. I just knew those words didn't define me and I need it to admit it and come to terms with them, them and I, and my carpet.
I knew I needed to battle them out, I knew I needed to no longer be afraid of facing the truth behind the lies I told myself. It’s amazing how our minds can turn words around and make them say a completely different message. I needed humbling. I needed grace.
I needed a coping mechanism, a soft assurance… his love to caress me in that moment of vulnerability, of frail words and frail confessions in his presence to turn off the doubts. I needed to turn off and fight the intimidation following me in the work place, friendships and in life…. really.
After the stormed ceased and my knees left the carpet, I knew I should face tomorrow with a new conviction.
The next day brought new words. Words of comfort… that special approval that I needed. And it came in exactly those words, “your project was approved”.
I don’t know what happened in between the moment of confession, the moment when my knees hit the carpet or the moment when I decided to fight the words of doubt and intimidation, but somewhere in the wee hours of the night, those special words got put in an email and sent over to me to provide that special assurance and light and hope…
I’m on the right path… a path that makes me know that the words I say have power as much as the words said to me. And most importantly that I need to filter each word through his truth and his love… before letting them in or before letting them out. Much work is ahead.