over the weekend i decided on a little risk and got highlights.
you'd think that such decision wouldnt require much deliberation, but to me any risk is often too big.
i was nervous to the core to attempt such changing process in my hair. thoughts of how it would turn out, how i would feel after and other things, all became part of my second-guessing game. which i play often.
i made the choice. sat on the chair. sucked in the smell of ammonia. and had the process done. i knew once she started to lighten, there was no turning back. and for a moment i was happy there. i was glad that there was no way i could go back after that. it was almost like my soul came to rest, although my mind kept itself busy with concerns about the results.
and i thought to myself, why is that first step so difficult to make? why is that little moment in the unknown so difficult to take in? why am i so afraid to live?
every little girl dreams of being a princess. most little girls twirl in their dresses, wear bows and love pink. they love feeling beautiful and special. they love hearing daddy's voice assuring them of their value, their worth. every little girl grows into a woman with those same desires of feeling loved. being affirmed in her beauty and being held in a lovers arm.
its how we were created.
but the story is never that perfect. some little girls, lack daddy in their life, or if he is present, he is emotionally absent. in some cases daddy never learned growing up the importance of tender affection, but only heard words of how unworthy and how insufficient he was. and unfortunately this transcends to how he loves on his children. making that poor little girl feel unloved, never enough. leaving her with an unquenchable desire to be worth it and loved.
and that desire for love and acceptance follows a little girl to her womanhood, unless she meets a man named jesus, who paid the price for her and loves her unconditionally.
and even still with him by her side, young women and old struggle with their worth, leaving them tainted and often afraid to live, afraid to take risks.
i've been there. and i know what is like to yearn my daddys love and my daddy's affimartion even after all these years of him knowing me. sometimes, he doesnt get it, he doesnt see that his words burn like fire and shatter me. but i understand him. he didnt learn any better. and although, my worth is in Christ, i still desire to be again his little princess, twirl in my dresses and hear him say that im the prettiest little girl he has ever seen.
through a greater love than i can ever describe, i've learn to love the one i am and i am progressively making myself pleasing to my king. i've ceased fighting to please my earthly father. i may never hear the words, and even if i did, they dont define me. although he may never utter it, i know he is proud, although he may struggle to admit it, he finds me beautiful and he would give his life for me.
his silence has become enough reassurance. and my heavenly father's utterings into my ear of how precious i am to him, fuel me everyday. and i know that i can be that little girl who is now a woman, precious and worth more than she can yet comprehend. free at last, to take risks, jump hurdles, and live. yes, live.