Monday, August 8, 2011

i feel change is coming and im not handling it well

sometimes everything seems to be going right
you know like life is on the right direction
new doors have opened, walking through new opportunities
dreams are so close to reality that it can't get any better
it's been like that for me lately
God just keeps opening doors
and well i'm seemingly happy
but something is missing...

 i contemplated writing this because i don't want to seem ungrateful to God for all that he has done
i mean it's a lot that he has done... and i feel so incredibly privileged
but recently there's a different yearning in my heart
a different form of character building... and sometimes it's good and others it's bad
bad, because i tend to not handle well the changes, and i become awkward
good, because i like feeling that im working to becoming that person God wants me to be

but it's hard

i want to be like Paul, but im not nearly as zealous as he was
i wish i was like Peter, bold and courageous, ready to speak up
i wish i was like Esther, committed to accomplish the Lord's work no matter the cost
but im not them
im me, challenged, flawed and difficult
and desperate to break off from this me that i think has expired
 i know and strongly feel that im on the path of being different
being a better christ follower, a better servant
but meanwhile the road is difficult, and sometimes lonely... but i'm learning to let God be my comfort
even in those moments when all i have are tears and the advocating of my words 
and the hope that at the end of the road, something better awaits me
but as i walk there i must endure the pain of letting go, the difficulty of sacrifice and surrender
and surrender sometimes simply means turning away from something, someone or both 
and some days it almost feels impossible, and excruciatingly painful

i know you may not know me personally
and honestly it's really hard to really expose my inner self here (or elsewhere)
but i must admit that i am a wimp, and make things harder on myself
i also see everything through a sentimental lense
i can be uptight, old-ish in manner and  a bit too serious
which basically means socially challenged J
but i do love god, and i do want to please him
even if it costs me
and that it is

i would like to ask for your prayers during this time
for comfort
for peace
for stillness in the lord
 thank you


  1. i'll be a prayer warrior for you! thank you for sharing from your beautiful heart. we all have these struggles, and i too am intimidated by the undaunted faith shown in the Bible. but that's exactly why we need it, and why it was written. to give us something to strive toward, even if we may never reach it this side of heaven. it's the trying that counts. smile, sweet friend:)

  2. You are such a precious soul! This really hit home for me, and you're in my thoughts!


  3. This is was incredibly encouraging! Thank you posting this =) Will be praying for your.

  4. hey Jennifer!
    awhile ago you asked if you could borrow a quote of mine - i am so sorry it has taken me so long to reply, blogger has been insane and not letting me comment back to people, so in case you are still wondering - of course!

    thank you so much for following and for reading my blog - your comments are so kind!
    -Emma, a hopeful heart

  5. i'll be praying for you =)

    Be fine, take care

  6. thanks lovely people... i really appreciate your prayers.

  7. I love your honesty and vulnerability in this post. Thank you for sharing your heart!

    As for my core workout "plan" ... I don't know much about crossfit, but in my research I've discovered that working your entire body is more effective than JUST working abs. It all feeds off of each other I guess.

    I just plan to rearrange my diet a little bit, less sugars & heavy carbs, and get into the habit of doing core work every day.

    Let me know if you have any more questions or suggestions or anything :)


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