i feel change is coming and im not handling it well

sometimes everything seems to be going right

you know like life is on the right direction

new doors have opened, walking through new opportunities

dreams are so close to reality that it can't get any better

 

it's been like that for me lately

God just keeps opening doors

and well i'm seemingly happy

but something is missing...

 i contemplated writing this because i don't want to seem ungrateful to God for all that he has done

i mean it's a lot that he has done... and i feel so incredibly privileged

but recently there's a different yearning in my heart

a different form of character building... and sometimes it's good and others it's bad

bad, because i tend to not handle well the changes, and i become awkward

good, because i like feeling that im working to becoming that person God wants me to be

but it's hard

i want to be like Paul, but im not nearly as zealous as he was

i wish i was like Peter, bold and courageous, ready to speak up

i wish i was like Esther, committed to accomplish the Lord's work no matter the cost
but im not them
im me, challenged, flawed and difficult
and desperate to break off from this me that i think has expired

 i know and strongly feel that im on the path of being different
being a better christ follower, a better servant

but meanwhile the road is difficult, and sometimes lonely... but i'm learning to let God be my comfort
even in those moments when all i have are tears and the advocating of my words 

and the hope that at the end of the road, something better awaits me

but as i walk there i must endure the pain of letting go, the difficulty of sacrifice and surrender

and surrender sometimes simply means turning away from something, someone or both 

and some days it almost feels impossible, and excruciatingly painful

i know you may not know me personally

and honestly it's really hard to really expose my inner self here (or elsewhere)

but i must admit that i am a wimp, and make things harder on myself

i also see everything through a sentimental lense

i can be uptight, old-ish in manner and  a bit too serious
which basically means socially challenged J
but i do love god, and i do want to please him

even if it costs me
and that it is

i would like to ask for your prayers during this time
for comfort
for peace
for stillness in the lord
 thank you