Real Love Series: Choosing over oneself

To finally wrap an amazing series on Real Love, I decided to add my two cents in the subject. My goal with this series was to encourage people and myself in this process of waiting on Real Love to awaken for us, in a Godly way. But as I read and was encouraged, I felt that I too could add something here in the hopes that you, the reader, would be blessed.

As a young woman, my dream has always been to have that special person in my life to love, to care for, to trust, to count on, to partner with, to serve the lord with, and to build a home with. Nothing is wrong with that of course, but for many years of my life as a Christian (and before) I looked in this person to be valued in and to find and feel beautiful. My life depended on that person’s acceptance and when the acceptance wasn’t there, it collapsed. Needless to say, this brought tons of hurts to my poor heart.

When a woman is desperate to feel loved, to feel valued, beautiful, worth something, pretty in her own skin -- whether skinny or fat, whether her hair is curly or not, or if she can be patient, kind, boring or rude – she often turns to anything that would show her that love she is so desperate for. Only problem is, no man on earth may be able to fulfill that emptiness.

This turns into an issue of emotional instability, crankiness, bitterness and often whenever a person approaches we only make it worse because our heart is not ready for love. That selfless love that really lasts, kind of love. Although, usually, one thinks that finding someone to love you will fix the problem. I was so wrong.

I  was wrong to look for love for selfish motives. I was wrong to want to fill voids and desires only God could. Because of this crazy pursuit of trying to find my own best, I cracked my heart in several places. I dragged it with me, in circles, for so long. And I know that the purpose of it is/was (this is an ongoing process) to grow me and so one day I could shout to the heavens, I am made knew because of you Jesus. And so that I could learn that my worth is only defined in Jesus and not in the eyes of any other.

And because of it, I am also learning about surrendering my heart, my emotions to God in its entirety. Because I really want a story that would honor him. I no longer belong to myself, but to him, so why should I have a say as to whom I should love, or marry? Or who am I to run from the risk of living in his perfect will because I’m too selfish and think my way is better? I no longer can afford to run from him. His goodness surrounds me and overwhelms me. And the only way I know how to be a bit grateful to such unfathomable goodness/mercy/love, is by totally giving myself to him. He, my master. Me, his slave.

I’ve learned. The hard way. But I’ve learned.

It’s not of me to choose.

I’ve hurt enough to know that waiting on him is better.

And I pray. And I pray. And I pray. His will over me. His will over my ministry.calling.singing.friendships. All of it. Because I really want him to choose for me.

It really takes courage to wait ladies (and gents). It really takes courage to say no to what seems right and good and perfect, if it’s not what he wants. It takes an immense amount of courage to face the world daily while saying no to what you desire, but to please Him, you negate yourself.

I don’t want to sound perfect or like it's easy. Trust me. I’ve cried, cry, sobbed, sob, called my friend, still call my friend and still (often) sit on my pastor’s couch for comfort. And I have bended knees, and cried out to God in my car.workchair.restroom.shower.mall.church.everywhere.and.anywhere. for his strength in moments of weakness. And after doing that for countless and countless times, you begin to feel better, and better. and free. And then you rest in him. <waiting>

It takes dying to oneself. But like Esther would say, “If I shall perish, I shall perish.”

Because honestly, at the end of it all, it’s not about our pleasure or satisfaction, but about finding a perfect match to accomplish a perfect plan that has been selected for you as a team that will be perfected together, through this union, to honor and glorify a perfect God.

Thank you for tuning in to this series. I encourage you to turn back to these stories often, to read about real people who have waited and who have overcome. It’s something us ordinary humans can actually do, when we are trusting in an extraordinary God.

May you be blessed and may you be strengthened to wait.